When Amy became a single mum, it felt like her world had been turned upside-down. In the last four years she has rebuilt her life, learned how to co-parent, and helped thousands of people with her inspirational content on social media. Here, she shares her story. 

Amy Goff's Single Parent Story

I never thought I’d be a single mum, I don’t think many people do. Go back to just over 4 years ago I thought I had it all, a husband, a lovely home and a baby on the way. But my world shortly came crashing down when my son was just 6 weeks old and my marriage came to an end. On top of that the world had just gone into lockdown and I had a baby with severe reflux who never slept. To say it was the hardest time of my life would be an understatement. I felt so lonely and scared of what our future would look like. I hadn’t planned to do this alone.

Fast forward to now and a WHOLE lot of healing. My life is so different and I couldn’t imagine getting to a place of acceptance and excitement over our future as a two.

But that doesn’t mean it’s been easy and it’s been a rollercoaster of emotions along the way. I’ve made mistakes, learnt lessons and grown so much. Whilst it was the hardest life thing I’ve been through, it was also the best thing to happen to me as I’ve learnt so much about myself and have grown to a place of confidence and peace within me that I don’t think I could have achieved otherwise.

Being on my own with a child taught me I had be the one to do it all, quite literally. I had to be the one to financially provide. I had to do all the sleepless nights. I had to do the cooking, cleaning, entertaining. And because of that I had to heal. I had to work on me because if I let my pain become me then I wouldn’t have got through it.

One of the hardest parts was having to heal from someone you had to co-parent with. Normally if you break up you don’t have to remain amicable with that person and continue to have them in your life. However when you are co-parenting you have to process that pain, not only for the sake of your child but for your peace too.

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Firstly take things slow, know that the early days are really tough and you are grieving. It’s ok if you feel like you can’t do it all because your body is just trying to survive right now. But you need to find ways to survive this. Create yourself a support network and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Find ways to make your life easier where you can; meal prep, get your kids involved in household chores - make it fun; dance around the kitchen. Don’t compare yourself to a two parent household or try and achieve everything they can; you’re one person and right now you’re navigating a new way of life that takes time to adapt.

My advice for co-parenting would be to seek closure from what happened from healing yourself; don’t be afraid to seek professional support with this, you’ve gone through a major life event. You need to be able to process your pain and what happened so that you are not constantly feeling triggered by what they do. Remember what they say to you is about them not you; it’s projection. When you receive messages that trigger you; take a moment, breathe and go and do something to help bring you back into the present. Don’t react and respond straight away. If you’re dealing with someone toxic or narcissistic then use the grey rock method (just replying to the need to know information and not engaging with an emotional response) and set boundaries! They don’t get to know everything about your life now. 

Focus on what you can control. I know at the start your life can feel so out of control but the more you focus on that the worse you will feel. Write yourself a list of all the things you can now control including how you respond to your co-parent.

Remember you can’t control what they do or how they parent but you can work on being in control of your response. I’d recommend working on your triggers and calming your nervous system as the more your nervous system is in a stress response the harder it will be to deal with. 

Not having your child with you all the time is hard, and for me it’s been the hardest part. But I know that I have to be intentional about my childfree time. I ask myself; how do I want to feel when I get my son home again? I want to know that I’ve had time for me and feel refreshed so that when we do have time together I can be the best mum I can be. I remind myself that children remember how you make them feel when you’re with them not how much time you spend together. I always plan my time so that I know what I’m doing and it makes me feel more in control; I love a list! This includes planning time to do nothing too! Sunday mornings have become my time for no alarms and no tasks; just time for me.

Your mindset is everything and the way you choose to look at it. It took me a while to come to a place of acceptance but when I did it my life was a lot more peaceful. There are always things to be grateful for and if you struggle with your mindset i’d recommend practicing gratitude everyday.

Be kind to yourself and find ways to bring joy into your life. There’s no one around to tell you you’re doing a great job at the end of the day so you need to do that for you. I love affirmations and reminders around the house especially at times when things feel hard.

Remember you can’t change the beginning but you can start where you are and change the end. I promise it gets better, but it starts with you.

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Thank you SO much to Amy for sharing her story with us. You can follow Amy's journey on Instagram.

‍You can connect with other single mums and dads on the Frolo app today.

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